I just need someone to believe in me and mean it...

"I just need someone to believe in me and mean it...."

Many people tell me that they believe in me. Saying and actually meaning it are two different things.  Living with depression and anxiety makes life just that more difficult. I pick up on clues (body language, tone of voice ect) that people give out and don't necessarily realize it. I know when someone is just saying it to say it. Sure I have a little hope that they actually believe what they are saying (ironically) and that is probably what hurts me in the end. I am a hopeful person. But it hurts that much harder when I am just let down. Mostly let down by those closest to me and the ones that "love me."  That just makes the hurt that much worse. 34 years and it should be something I am use to. Something that should be telling me stop being hopeful and stop believing the best in people. But it hasn't stopped me. Even if it ends up hurting me badly. 

I've gone back and forth between believing there are good people and trying to find that good in people and then just knowing people are assholes, basically hating humanity. I don't like the world I live in. I am just one person, but I try to do what I can one thing at a time to hopefully make this world a better place. People call me crazy. Yet if more people actually tried, we might be able to overcome the "assholes" of the world. But we have to come together and too many people rather not even mess with it. People forget the power in numbers. The world is a cruel place due to the numbers of people, or so I believe anyway. 

My life has been shaken up and turned upside down. I try to remain positive. But I am human and it gets the best of me. I think I'm doing pretty damn good considering it all.  But in all of this, I am the one feeling guilt. And I shouldn't. Feel guilt for having to make decisions that are having to be made, preparing yourself to take care of others only to have them turn their backs and decide on those that have done nothing, living in limbo because until we get something, we don't know what will be happening, not being able to plan, knowing your a burden on others, knowing that others say they believe in you or support you but knowing it isn't true and having those that should be your biggest supporters, biggest believers tell you to be realistic. Dreams getting crushed, slowly feel as if my soul is getting torn apart and changing into someone that isn't me and someone that I hate. But it will keep me from getting hurt. 

Today alone, I don't want to be here. Literally I don't want to breathe. Feelings of just interfering with life, feelings of knowing I am not useful and wondering what my purpose is. We all have purpose and I really believe that, but days like today I question if my only purpose is to make others feel good about themselves for many reasons. Making me feel and look like more crap so they look better, being able to say "yea I take care of her, someone has to right," ect. 

It's days like today that I hate humanity. I hate that I even was able to open my eyes and come into this world. Like life is a cruel joke and I'm waiting for the people to come out and say "You have just been our form of entertainment." And even then soon enough I'll get to be too boring and they will move on.

And that is depression. One big disease that lies to you over and over. I wake up every day knowing I have a fight ahead of me. There are days where I wake up and say "I'll make depression my bitch!"  But most days I don't want to wake up, I don't want to make it out of bed. I don't have the energy to even fight. Some how, most of those days I find some energy to hang on, even if just by a thread. 

With depression I am slowly losing who I am. Who I am meant to be and who I want to be. I am just starting to conform to something that is just living until they die. Just surviving until it is their time to go. 

And what do I want out of life? Simple: love, believed in and being wanted. And most of the time, I feel none of those.....Especially today.

*My personal struggles or ways that I deal with my depression are just that, my own. Not everyone suffers or handles it like I do. This blog and the words are my feelings, interpretations, opinions, ect. Not everyone will agree with this blog or what I have to say, that is ok. That hasn't stopped me before, and it won't stop me now. I just ask that you be respectful and to keep an open mind.