Dear Standord Attacker. AKA "Little Boy."

I haven't said anything on the Standford rape/attack that happened. It is the same thing I read about when men get away with what they have done or get a slap on the wrist.

What has outraged me with this case is the short sentence and the fact that the father of the attacker is pleading that a 6 months jail sentence is far too much time for his son to pay for "20 minutes" of actions. As if 20 minutes was even far too much for him, the one being the attacker.

As I read through the letter that the victim wrote, feelings came back that have taken me ten years to overcome. Feelings that I know were of nothing that I did.  Feelings that were forced on me because someone felt the need to take it, that they deserved it was theirs.

Flashbacks of a time where someone decided that a part of me is something they could take away forever. Not even thinking of what I would have to deal with for the rest of my life. How much I would have to fight to get that part of me back and to get myself to remember that, that is ok to get that part of me back. It is no one's, it is MINE.

I read the excuses he gives as to why what he did was ok or needs to even be forgiven. I'm sorry little boy (I won't even call you by your name, you are little, sorry excuse, scared and a bully of a boy, NOT even close to what a man should be.) your excuses are invalid for your actions and any type of forgiveness. Actions have consequences. Some actions have BIG consequences. This action you took has consequences not only that you have to deal with, but your victim has to deal with for the rest of her life. NONE of which she asked for and NONE of which you had the right to give or do under ANY circumstances. NONE AT ALL.

Alcohol was a factor. Alcohol is a factor in many things. But alcohol does not kill innocent people, rape women, ect. It is the PEOPLE who decide to drink that make those wrong decisions and wrong moves. It is the persons actions that it comes down to and what they have decided to do.

Now your father has issued a statement asking the judge to be lenient with you. 6 months is far too much of a punishment for 20 minutes of your life. Your father is your father and he loves you. As he should. Parents should love their kids, but can not love their actions. I sit here and wonder, IF this had happened to his daughter, would he feel the same? Would he feel it is ok for the attackers father to come out and write this plea, as if the attacker were actually the victim? I would hope the answer would be no, but in today's world, nothing is ever what we think it should be.

Dear little boys father, I know you love your son, but you should be ashamed that he did this. I know as parents we can only teach our children so much, but they have to make their own decisions. Some of those will be wrong, VERY wrong. How do you think it is ok to make him out to be the victim. Sure he will live with this for the rest of his life, but not like the victim will. He will never be able to know what she has gone through until he himself is treated as such an object. As such that someone deserved to take something from him. No one is asking to not love your son or love him any less. We are asking that you stop and think about what your letter, your plea is really saying. Especially to other young women out there and especially to the victim. That woman your son attacked And is it so far fetched that you remind your son to think the same way? To remind your son of the AWFUL thing he did to another human being? We all make mistakes and some are bad, some we cannot recover from. But because it is a mistake, does not mean that some of those mistakes we don't pay for. This is a mistake he SHOULD and NEEDS to pay for. The APPROPRIATE form of paying for what he did.

This whole thing has sickened me, outraged me, the feelings and emotions I have felt have been all over the place. I am angered that this boy is getting out of being correctly punished because of a family's status, ect. I am horrified that this seems to be a thing that is becoming more and more common. Boys getting away with this awful type of crime. Nothing he can do, will help make that victim not ever again live with what happened to her. But a more appropriate punishment SHOULD be done. It's the least our system can do. And it is failing us more and more at that.....

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/early-lead/wp/2016/06/04/you-took-away-my-worth-a-rape-victim-delivers-powerful-message-to-a-former-stanford-swimmer/?wpmm=1&wpisrc=nl_wemost-draw5

*This is my own thoughts, opinions and feelings on this matter. You may agree or disagree, I just ask, as always you be respectful.

I just need someone to believe in me and mean it...

"I just need someone to believe in me and mean it...."

Many people tell me that they believe in me. Saying and actually meaning it are two different things.  Living with depression and anxiety makes life just that more difficult. I pick up on clues (body language, tone of voice ect) that people give out and don't necessarily realize it. I know when someone is just saying it to say it. Sure I have a little hope that they actually believe what they are saying (ironically) and that is probably what hurts me in the end. I am a hopeful person. But it hurts that much harder when I am just let down. Mostly let down by those closest to me and the ones that "love me."  That just makes the hurt that much worse. 34 years and it should be something I am use to. Something that should be telling me stop being hopeful and stop believing the best in people. But it hasn't stopped me. Even if it ends up hurting me badly. 

I've gone back and forth between believing there are good people and trying to find that good in people and then just knowing people are assholes, basically hating humanity. I don't like the world I live in. I am just one person, but I try to do what I can one thing at a time to hopefully make this world a better place. People call me crazy. Yet if more people actually tried, we might be able to overcome the "assholes" of the world. But we have to come together and too many people rather not even mess with it. People forget the power in numbers. The world is a cruel place due to the numbers of people, or so I believe anyway. 

My life has been shaken up and turned upside down. I try to remain positive. But I am human and it gets the best of me. I think I'm doing pretty damn good considering it all.  But in all of this, I am the one feeling guilt. And I shouldn't. Feel guilt for having to make decisions that are having to be made, preparing yourself to take care of others only to have them turn their backs and decide on those that have done nothing, living in limbo because until we get something, we don't know what will be happening, not being able to plan, knowing your a burden on others, knowing that others say they believe in you or support you but knowing it isn't true and having those that should be your biggest supporters, biggest believers tell you to be realistic. Dreams getting crushed, slowly feel as if my soul is getting torn apart and changing into someone that isn't me and someone that I hate. But it will keep me from getting hurt. 

Today alone, I don't want to be here. Literally I don't want to breathe. Feelings of just interfering with life, feelings of knowing I am not useful and wondering what my purpose is. We all have purpose and I really believe that, but days like today I question if my only purpose is to make others feel good about themselves for many reasons. Making me feel and look like more crap so they look better, being able to say "yea I take care of her, someone has to right," ect. 

It's days like today that I hate humanity. I hate that I even was able to open my eyes and come into this world. Like life is a cruel joke and I'm waiting for the people to come out and say "You have just been our form of entertainment." And even then soon enough I'll get to be too boring and they will move on.

And that is depression. One big disease that lies to you over and over. I wake up every day knowing I have a fight ahead of me. There are days where I wake up and say "I'll make depression my bitch!"  But most days I don't want to wake up, I don't want to make it out of bed. I don't have the energy to even fight. Some how, most of those days I find some energy to hang on, even if just by a thread. 

With depression I am slowly losing who I am. Who I am meant to be and who I want to be. I am just starting to conform to something that is just living until they die. Just surviving until it is their time to go. 

And what do I want out of life? Simple: love, believed in and being wanted. And most of the time, I feel none of those.....Especially today.

*My personal struggles or ways that I deal with my depression are just that, my own. Not everyone suffers or handles it like I do. This blog and the words are my feelings, interpretations, opinions, ect. Not everyone will agree with this blog or what I have to say, that is ok. That hasn't stopped me before, and it won't stop me now. I just ask that you be respectful and to keep an open mind.