2016 has been a hard year for a lot of people, including me. While I lost my grandmother on Christmas day in 2015, we said our final goodbyes in 2016. My last memory of her; she was hooked up to a machine keeping her alive. My loved ones had to make the very difficult decision to take her off life support.
In June, my family and I got one week to say goodbye before my father in law before he lost his battle with cancer. He fought so hard and wanted nothing more to believe that he would walk out of there. He was in such pain that giving him a hug was impossible. I just remember holding his hand and rubbing it against my face telling him this was how I could give him a huge. Reassuring him that Matt and I would take care of mom and that I loved him so much and he was a father to me. He hung on long enough to make sure his newest grandson was ok (he was in the NICU due to breathing issues) and to be able to see all three of his sons. All of the difficult medical decisions were left up to my husband and as his wife, that was just as hard to see him beat himself up thinking he could have done anything to save his father. One year after him being diagnosed with cancer, we lost him.
Some how between both losses, I didn't fall into a deep depression. I had the honor to be able to make a memorial video for both my grandmother and father in law. Plus watching my nephews and niece so my sister and brother in law could be with their newborn son since a friend let them down, helped keep me busy during my father in laws passing.
Although as I know all too well, we can survive a lot of tough times, especially when thrown into a situation (as I do) where you remain strong for everyone else. It may not catch up to us right away. Could be days, weeks or months. But sometimes (not always) it does creep up on us. And it has finally has caught up to me.
We moved to a different state. I am in a new place where I know no one. My anxiety and depression make it difficult for me to get out of the house. And now I am a care giver to my mother in law. I am a person where I need me time to recharge my batteries. I have four kids. That alone doesn't leave much time. But now I am a care giver and that requires more time being taken away and I haven't gotten the time to recharge my batteries. We are all adjusting to our new living situation. But I won't lie and say it's easy to live with someone you are taking care of. Boundaries need to be set, rules in place. And it's hard when you have to do that with someone that is still an adult, but needs to respect a new home.
I've felt myself slipping down, as I usually do. As as I do, I fight it. I always end up losing, but that doesn't mean I won't stop fighting. I'm just finding it difficult to have the energy to fight this time. That little spark that is me, I no longer see. I am trying to hard to reignite it, but I just can't. Sleep is hard to come by, even with a prescription that is suppose to help me sleep as needed. And when I can sleep, I cry myself to sleep.
When the alarm goes off in the morning to get up to get the kids ready for school, it is difficult to drag myself out of bed. I usually lay there for ten minutes crying and fighting the thoughts in my own head to get up and do what I need to do. My kids still need me, no matter how depressed I am. I just don't have time to get so deep in that I cannot function. Yet I fear that, the not being able to function is right around the corner and it scares me. It scares the shit out of me.
This time there has been no suicidal thoughts. (If you ever feel as if you are suicidal there are a few resources I highly encourage you to reach out to:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or
Crisis Text Line Text "GO" to 741741 Both are available 24/7.) So that is good. Those thoughts are and have stayed out of my head, so far.
But as usual, I find no joy in life right now. Things that I normally find joy in, I no longer do. My companion dog is helping. She knows when I am down and she has not left my side. Although lately my mother in law has been calling her over and I'm going to be honest, it makes me angry and upsets me. We got her to help me. I'm not trying to be selfish, but she is how I cope and now I'm am losing that at times.
I'm not sure how I am going to get out of this current funk. Right now, I find no peace in my life. Constant fighting. Loud noises set off my anxiety and between four kids and a very loud mother in law, I am back on my Xanax 24/7. I didn't hardly need to take it when my two loved ones passed away. I don't now where anything is here in our new town/state and anxiety hits me just thinking about getting out to drive. I have no escape. Not even my own room.
If it wasn't for my honesty and this blog, many people see me smile and talk and laugh. You wouldn't have any clue that I suffer from depression or anxiety. I wish I could be like that all of the time. Push it aside like I do when people on the street say hello and start a small conversation. But I can't. I'm not getting any breaks. Everyone is coming before me. And I know that I need time to recharge my batteries, but I'm not getting that time nor finding any time for it.
Now, I'm just waiting for the nervous breakdown to happen. It's not if, but a matter of when....
*My personal struggles or ways that I deal with
my depression are just that, my own. Not everyone suffers or handles it like I
do. This blog and the words are my feelings, interpretations, opinions, ect.
Not everyone will agree with this blog or what I have to say, that is ok. That
hasn't stopped me before, and it won't stop me now. I just ask that you be
respectful and to keep an open mind.
