Hope is there.

Today I saw my new psychiatrist. I went to him to get a second opinion and possible start seeing him instead of my old one. Well I am happy to say he is my new psychiatrist! My appointment was exhausting trying to explain everything to him, especially just mentioning my rape. I had a terrible panic attack on the way home and it took me a few hours to calm myself down.

But I got past it. And I feel better. There are some stresses in my life currently and I'm not sure anyone would handle them with perfection. With my background I am handling them the best I can and I have hope that I can soon handle them even better.

If you feel that the doctor (of any kind) you are seeing isn't listening to you or giving you what you need, there is no shame in going to get a second opinion. The old psychiatrist I was seeing was great. Saw him for over five years. But, with my case, I think I was a bit over his head and needed someone with a little more expertise.

I will be honest I felt guilty as if I was going behind his back. But I told him that I was seeing someone else to get a second opinion and he said it is always good to do so because not every doctor is a fit for you. He was great about it even if I started crying. I hate thinking I may or am hurting others feelings.

One medicine has been dropped as we are pretty certain is it causing my heightened anxiety and a medicine dose was increased. Once we get the one medicine dose stable, we will be discussing switching out one medicine for another. So I went from four medications to three. Three still seems like a high amount, but it is one less that I am taking and I consider that a win.

He gave me some great steps to take to help me overcome anxiety, depression and my sleep as well. I'm having a hard time coming to terms with those (like stopping caffeine), but it needs to be done.

I hate that I am having to change my life as what I am use to, all because of a disease I didn't even ask for. Not that anyone asks for any kind of disease but it seems unfair. Although life isn't fair.

I have hope now. I was nervous going in and came out calm, relaxed, positive and full of hope (even if I ended up with a panic attack on the way home).

-Kristin

*My personal struggles or ways that I deal with my depression are just that, my own. Not everyone suffers or handles it like I do. This blog and the words are my feelings, interpretations, opinions, ect. Not everyone will agree with this blog or what I have to say, that is ok. That hasn't stopped me before, and it won't stop me now. I just ask that you be respectful and to keep an open mind.

Crushed

Even with my depression and anxiety I am more realistic then people give me credit for. I've made decisions where I think I am ready to do something and jump right into it, only to fail because I go into another episode. I guess due to that, the ones I love see me as someone who is out of touch with reality.

I fight for myself and my children. I also aspire to be a veterinarian one day. I see a new doctor and I have hope that I might get the correct help. First time in years that I've felt that way. So I looked into schooling, years, amount ect. Not for anytime soon, because getting myself to a point where I can handle school and normal life is the first thing I need to do. And I know that, well. But it is a dream of mine and there is no harm to look and give myself that long term goal either.

Growing up and even now, I've had people tell me that I will never be able to do stuff, I shouldn't try because I won't succeed ect. Even today that still happens. Maybe more often now then it ever did.  Pretty sure it's due to my mental illness and the struggles I face due to that.

But when you discuss your dreams and one day goals with the one person who should be there to be supportive and they always have something negative to say back, my dreams, goals, all of that are crushed. It gets into my head that once again I can't do something. It will be impossible. The one person who should know me best is maybe doing more damage then good. I know they aren't meaning to. But that doesn't make it any less difficult.

They tell me they are being realistic, we need to get me better, ect. I AM being realistic. I said "Once I am better enough to do this..." That one sentence said exactly what I am reminded to "remember." I feel like I am not being listened to or in a gentle way being told it will never happen. Kind of like I am a child once again. That is not what they want me to do with my life. And no matter how much I talk and share my feelings about how it makes me feel when they respond that way, they say sorry, yet this repeats itself.

They are getting more angry then I am, that I am still struggling. They want these medications to work right away even if they tell me they understand it takes time. Do people not understand that I too am angry, upset and just as much if not more frustrated? I am the one truly dealing with this. But I also understand the process of how it works to try and help those with mental illness. Therefor I know there is no instant fix. It will be something that I deal with for the rest of my life and I know this and that alone is sad and hard enough to know and to come to terms with.

People wonder why I don't try things. Because I am afraid of failure and that is due to so many other people who have put that in my head and from the one person who I need that support and encouragement just responds with negativity. I know it isn't up to anyone on what I do with my life. But I often feel so "set up", that my perfectionism starts with anything I do because I don't want to fail anyone else. It stops becoming about me and more about how I can show them I can. It's miserable...

I feel like my dreams are crushed.......

-Kristin

*My personal struggles or ways that I deal with my depression are just that, my own. Not everyone suffers or handles it like I do. This blog and the words are my feelings, interpretations, opinions, ect. Not everyone will agree with this blog or what I have to say, that is ok. That hasn't stopped me before, and it won't stop me now. I just ask that you be respectful and to keep an open mind.

Not just for me...

At my daughters first Girl Scouts meeting I watched her. And it's a painful reminder of how my issues are rubbing off on her.  My daughter, who is a bubbly, energetic and very happy little girl shut down today. As I watched her troop leader try to have her engage in the circle with the other girls, I see my daughter, with her hands over her face, tears falling from her cheeks and she is hunched over. She, while standing up, is trying to go into as much as she can, the fetal position. A basic human instinct to feel safe, like back in the womb, all curled up.

Thankfully we've found an amazing Girl Scouts group. The Troop leader helped her figure out what she did that was helpful this week and even though my daughter didn't speak up, the troop leader helped and spoke for her. And as they moved onto the other girls, she still engaged the whole group, yet stood next to my daughter and gave her comfort until she calmed down. Through out the meeting, the girls, older and her age all pitched in to help her feel comfortable. As the girls passed by me to move onto the next part of the meeting, Lilly stopped to look at me. I smiled at her and let her know she was doing great and to get on in there and that the girls really are wanting to help her feel comfortable. But as she walked passed me, I saw the fear in her eyes and knew how she felt in this social situation. It is one I am dealing with now all too well. In fact today was the most I've gotten out in months. Picked up my daughter, hit the coffee place a few times, did my daughters Girls Scouts meeting and drove to the grocery store. My husband has to get injection in his eyes once a month so he relies on me for that day and the day after to handle everything. And this is the first time I've been able to actually be helpful in a long time.

As I sat there and took it all in and watched my daughter as I sat there and wrote this blog posting, it all became too familiar and reminded me of another reason I am fighting so hard to make myself a better person. It's just not for me, it's just as important, if not more important to fight for my kids as well. I am the one (well one of the two) that brought these kids into this world. It is my job to raise them to be good people. That means to make sure they can handle the world, the fear of it and the ability to keep going and work through that fear.

10 years ago I wasn't like what I am today. I still had the depression, anxiety and a few panic attacks. But it didn't keep me literally trapped inside my house and control my every moment as it does today. I was once able to conquer my fears and move through it all and come out the other side fine.  I'm not sure how or why it got so bad. It's been a slow process the past ten years, but the past five of those ten, it has hit me very badly and quickly.

My oldest is almost 10. She has always been shy, but not like I've seen her lately. It seems as I become more entangled with my own issues, she is doing the same. I see my fear being passed onto her and it hurts me. I feel helpless, guilty and mad that instead of showing her someone that can face this, I am buckling under the pressure and letting it consume my life. Even if I am fighting to do the opposite. Kids see more then we think. I see her socially struggling and I know all too well that feeling.  The fear that runs through your whole body all of a sudden and paralyzes you.  You can't breathe, your heart is pounding so fast and hard that your chest begins to hurt and it becomes all too much all too quick. I hate that my young daughter is feeling this and even more so because I know exactly how she is feeling. I struggle with it at the age of 33 and I couldn't imagine at almost 10 years old trying to make sense of it all when it's hard for me to make sense of it.

So it is important that I better myself. It means getting better for my kids. And helping them to better themselves and being that example of how to do that.

You are shaped into the person who you become roughly in the first 8 or so years of your life. Anyone can change who they are, how they react and better themselves. But as you get older, it isn't easy to change that. It's changing a habit that you've done your whole life and doing something different. It's hard for us to work on ourselves. I still have two children I have time to turn myself around to help them and I have two older ones who are who they will be and I can still help them over come obstacles and change how they handle them.

They are all great kids. I have been truly blessed with the children I was given. They are well behaved and happy. As their mother, I need to always be there to help them out.  Shaping them, helping them re-shape themselves to make themselves better.  In no way do I mean to totally change who they are. But if they feel they can be a better person then they are now later in life, I will be there as their coach, cheerleader and their mom.

I am their mother, my job is to teach them and give them the right tools to face and navigate through a world that is becoming more harsh then ever. We need more good people in life and I hope to raise my four to be one of those people that help make this world a better place....

-Kristin

*My personal struggles or ways that I deal with my depression are just that, my own. Not everyone suffers or handles it like I do. This blog and the words are my feelings, interpretations, opinions, ect. Not everyone will agree with this blog or what I have to say, that is ok. That hasn't stopped me before, and it won't stop me now. I just ask that you be respectful and to keep an open mind.

What can depression look like you ask?

What does depression look like?

Can you tell by looking at me that I suffer from extreme depression, anxiety and panic attacks? Can you tell that every morning it's a struggle to get out of bed and to start my day? Can you tell that I hate looking in the mirror at myself because I have nothing nice to say about myself because of my depression? Can you tell that it's a daily struggle for me to fight depression and to keep going and that while it exhausts me every night, it also keeps me awake at night? Can you tell that it makes it to where I hide in the bathroom at least once a day to cry so my kids don't see me go through this? Can you tell that because of depression, I sometimes feel that everyone, life ect would be better with out me and that suicide does cross my mind? Talking to me, can you tell that while I smile and laugh, inside I feel like I'm dying? When you tell me to just get over it or to just stop thinking about negative things, that I do try every second, minute, hour of the day, every day to do just that? Is it obvious that while deep down inside I am sad, I really do try to be happy and that is all I want but it isn't that easy to do? Do you see the person inside me screaming for help while we catch up about our lives? While I am seem to be a confident and strong person, can you see inside that I'm feeling insecure and broken? You think I am super woman. But did you know that I keep myself busy so my thoughts can't hurt me? I am quiet and you think I'm tired, but did you know that is when my depression is winning and it's all I can do to be present in that moment? When you see photos of me smiling with my children, that inside I think I am not good enough for my children, that I don't' deserve them and that I can't even do the job of being a mom right? People see me as a night owl, but did you know it's because my mind won't shut down and I'm afraid to sleep because of the nightmares I have? When you see me laugh and run around happy, do you know that I've attempted suicide more than once?

I am what depression looks like.

I look like a normal, happy, confident, positive, can take on anything, do it all, mom of the year person, right? Things aren't what they seem. I really do want to be that normal, happy, confident, positive, can take on anything, do it all, mom of the year person. Yet one thing makes me feel the opposite of all of that. Depression.

Depression consumes my life. It makes life that much harder for me to deal with. I wake up sad. Why? Because I know the struggle and fight I have ahead of me, and it's all I can do to just put one foot on the floor. I have to face the mirror in the bathroom. It's hard to look at myself. It's hard for me to look at myself and think "You are enough. Today will be a good day." No, depression says "You don't deserve to be here. I'll make today as miserable as possible." All day I battle depression and the thoughts that it has my mind consume. There are some days that I only am exhausted by the end of the night, but some days I wake up already exhausted and it's all I can do to survive the day. It can take one small thing going wrong, or just too many bad thoughts to make me break down and cry and run to the bathroom to hide. Depression is a bitch. I have everything to live for, but depression constantly tells me I don't, tells me I am better off, and so is everyone else with out me. It's not true, but depression is persistent and won't give up, until you do feel like that. You see a happy and smiling woman, but inside I'm a small child that just wants to die. Telling me to just get over it hurts so much. You don't see the daily battle I have and that all I want to do is to "just get over it." And I constantly try to do just that. I just want to have some moments of happiness. That's what I want to be, happy. I don't want to battle these terrible thoughts every day. Everyone sees someone who just enjoys life and smiles. But did you know that I've just gotten that good at wearing that mask to make others think everything is fine? I come off as this confident and strong person. But really, I am not confident. I'm insecure. I am afraid that everyone hates me. That everyone is making fun of me. While I am being strong for everyone else, when I am alone I cry and cry and it physically hurts to try and "be strong." I am always busy doing something. Everyone thinks "wow you are superwoman!" No one knows that I do that so that my thoughts don't take over. While being busy can overwhelm me, it also keeps me from hearing and listening to my own thoughts. You ask me, "Are you ok? You are being awful quiet." I respond with, "Oh yes, I am just tired that is all." And you believe me. I'm not lying, I am tired. But I am feeling defeated, and the depression is winning and I am just trying to look ok and follow what is going on around me. Everyone sees me with my children and thinks "Wow she is a great mom!" I wish I thought that of myself. Instead, depression makes me second guess everything. It makes me think that I did not deserve to have four wonderful children. It makes me think I am not doing anything right being a mom and I am just screwing up my children. I stay up late and people chalk it up to me just being a night owl. But that's not true. I am afraid to sleep. Sleep brings nightmares that make me wake up in a sweat and breathing hard and feeling scared. I'm not a night owl, I don't want to face those nightmares. I carry myself as if life is great. I am as happy as anyone can get. But no one knows that while I show happiness, inside I'm sad and dying and eventually, depression wins and I think that death will heal it all.

Depression tries to take control of your life every moment you are alive. You can't see me fighting this most times. It's because it is all happening inside of me. It's because I've gotten really good at wearing that mask that portrays that life for me is great. It exhausts me. I could sit down all day and still be exhausted at night because I've been internally fighting my depression. All I want to do is to get over it. To just tell it to go away and that it is not welcomed. But it is just not that easy. And I wish others understood that. But I don't think you can understand it, unless you've suffered with depression on some degree.

I sit here and write this, not looking for sympathy, attention or anything of the sorts. I write, in hopes that it helps others understand this disease and to let others that suffer with depression to know that they are not alone. Depression sucks and it's a bitch. It's not easy to deal with it. But I encourage those that are having a difficult time with your depression, don't be afraid to reach out for help. Don't be ashamed. Trust me, people care and want to help you.

Depression can be overcome. But it isn't easy, but worth it....

Again, just looking at my photo, can you tell I suffer from depression?

Here is a website for help:
http://www.healthline.com/h…/depression/help-for-depression…
‪#‎depression‬

*My personal struggles or ways that I deal with my depression are just that, my own. Not everyone suffers or handles it like I do. This blog and the words are my feelings, interpretations, opinions, ect. Not everyone will agree with this blog or what I have to say, that is ok. That hasn't stopped me before, and it won't stop me now. I just ask that you be respectful and to keep an open mind.

The First Year...Mother's Day

They say the first year after someone's death is the hardest. Or at least that is what I've always have been told. So far it seems to be true. I lost my Grandmother Christmas night, 2015.  It was fast and shocking as it was not expected (which I know usually it isn't).  I'm almost 34 and this is the first grandparent I've lost. I've been blessed to still have my grandparents in my lives and for them to see me marry, have children and interact with my little family.

Today is Mother's Day. I never did anything big, not even a card for my Grandmother, but I always did call and talk to her. First year I haven't been able to . I am religious so I just start talking to her. And I did just that. But I can't hear her voice. I'm even starting to forget what it sounds like.

Just little things like that can send me spiraling. I'm trying not to today. Not only will I not be able to see my youngest today on Mother's Day, but I can't call my Grandmother or hear her voice.

Facebook isn't helping. I see everyone's post with the pictures of all of their kids with them and then hearing about how many people miss my Grandmother (she was such a wonderful and beautiful person inside and out) and knowing that her kids (my Mom, Aunts and Uncle) are having a harder time with it. 

Today, doesn't feel special to me like it has in the past. I'm just trying to stop crying, have anxiety, feeling depressed and not have a panic attack. That is my goal, to just feel numb, if it helps me stop crying ect, then numb it is....I just want to get through the day....Somehow, temporarily shut my mind down, although I'm not sure if that is possible. Hasn't been for awhile.....

-Kristin

 *My personal struggles or ways that I deal with my depression are just that, my own. Not everyone suffers or handles it like I do. This blog and the words are my feelings, interpretations, opinions, ect. Not everyone will agree with this blog or what I have to say, that is ok. That hasn't stopped me before, and it won't stop me now. I just ask that you be respectful and to keep an open mind.

A Mother's Day First

Anxiety has kept me from being able to leave the house, let alone going on a two hour drive to see family. So this weekend my husband and four kids went up north to see his parents. I hate that I wasn't able to go. I am fighting this anxiety, but it isn't always as easy as telling myself to get over it or that I can do it no matter what. The mind is a strong thing.

Mother's Day is officially happening right now, even at 2am. I can't sleep. While my husband and kids will be returning home tomorrow evening, it just dawned on me that my youngest will be at my in laws to visit for a bit.  I love that my kids get to visit and stay with their grandparents. Grandparents play a very important role in raising our children.

And it's Mother's Day and JJ won't be coming home in the evening. My first Mother's Day away from any of my children. This is a first. I hate it. I've already and am trying to get through anxiety that has last well over 3 hours now and with the help of medication and then when it hit me that I will be with out one of my children today, so hit the depression. So now I am anxious and depressed. I'm crying just typing this. This Mother's Day for me, will not be complete and I can never get that back.

I know many will read this and say how lucky and blessed I should feel because I've been blessed with four children. And I know I am lucky and blessed with that. I haven't known anything else so I can't compare my situation with others in that way (being a mom or not a mom).  I can't help feeling how I do.

I'm just trying to keep myself from spiraling into a deeper depression. And once I do fall asleep (IF I can), I will wake up and remember that he won't be here. He won't be coming back for a week or two. He's missing Mother's Day with me, his mother. It will be easier to keep my shit together during the day, but as soon as my husband and three other kids come through the door and present me with their gifts, I will have to put that mask on and be happy (and I will be happy and thankful). Once they are in bed I know the tears will start falling and that familiar feeling of depression will return and I will fight so that it does not consume me 100%.

I just can't help but feel "Well Happy F'ing Mother's Day to me..."

-Kristin

*My personal struggles or ways that I deal with my depression are just that, my own. Not everyone suffers or handles it like I do. This blog and the words are my feelings, interpretations, opinions, ect. Not everyone will agree with this blog or what I have to say, that is ok. That hasn't stopped me before, and it won't stop me now. I just ask that you be respectful and to keep an open mind.

Why Open Myself Up?

Many people often ask me why I am so open with my struggles dealing with depression, anxiety and panic attacks. For awhile I didn't openly talk about it. I felt ashamed, broken, crazy, misunderstood (which still happens) and lazy. I didn't want to be judged. I didn't want to be treated differently, although, for me personally, I needed and need to be.

Almost 2 years ago, I decided to be very open about my struggles on social media. I've been doing it for the past few years with those I had met, but only a select few. At first just being open with those that I knew was hard. It took me awhile to be able to share my story with strangers on social media and anyone else that I may have met in person. It was hard at first, but I kept going. I've gotten a lot of support, although I do have many that ignore it. Perhaps it is too hard for people to see me struggle. That is ok. I hate knowing that I struggle. I also wanted to help. I wanted for others see that they are not alone. I hope to help those that do not suffer understand as much as they can so that the stigma of mental illness one day can be lifted, even if only a little bit. I hope to help others recognized what they need to look for if they know someone struggling and who may need help but will not seek it themselves.

I want people to see just what I go though (and many others). We have good days, bad days and just down right very difficult days. Sometimes all of those happen in one day, with in hours of each other. There is no one way it happens. There is no "manual" on when episodes happen. Sometimes it is caused by a trigger, other times it just happens out of nowhere.

In conclusion, I am open so that I can help others know they are not alone, hopefully lift part of the stigma of mental illness, help those that do not suffer understand more then they do or even a little bit more and well, it's kind of my own therapy.

-Kristin

*My personal struggles or ways that I deal with my depression are just that, my own. Not everyone suffers or handles it like I do. This blog and the words are my feelings, interpretations, opinions, ect. Not everyone will agree with this blog or what I have to say, that is ok. That hasn't stopped me before, and it won't stop me now. I just ask that you be respectful and to keep an open mind.