Can you tell by looking at me that I suffer from extreme depression, anxiety and panic attacks? Can you tell that every morning it's a struggle to get out of bed and to start my day? Can you tell that I hate looking in the mirror at myself because I have nothing nice to say about myself because of my depression? Can you tell that it's a daily struggle for me to fight depression and to keep going and that while it exhausts me every night, it also keeps me awake at night? Can you tell that it makes it to where I hide in the bathroom at least once a day to cry so my kids don't see me go through this? Can you tell that because of depression, I sometimes feel that everyone, life ect would be better with out me and that suicide does cross my mind? Talking to me, can you tell that while I smile and laugh, inside I feel like I'm dying? When you tell me to just get over it or to just stop thinking about negative things, that I do try every second, minute, hour of the day, every day to do just that? Is it obvious that while deep down inside I am sad, I really do try to be happy and that is all I want but it isn't that easy to do? Do you see the person inside me screaming for help while we catch up about our lives? While I am seem to be a confident and strong person, can you see inside that I'm feeling insecure and broken? You think I am super woman. But did you know that I keep myself busy so my thoughts can't hurt me? I am quiet and you think I'm tired, but did you know that is when my depression is winning and it's all I can do to be present in that moment? When you see photos of me smiling with my children, that inside I think I am not good enough for my children, that I don't' deserve them and that I can't even do the job of being a mom right? People see me as a night owl, but did you know it's because my mind won't shut down and I'm afraid to sleep because of the nightmares I have? When you see me laugh and run around happy, do you know that I've attempted suicide more than once?
I am what depression looks like.
I look like a normal, happy, confident, positive, can take on anything, do it all, mom of the year person, right? Things aren't what they seem. I really do want to be that normal, happy, confident, positive, can take on anything, do it all, mom of the year person. Yet one thing makes me feel the opposite of all of that. Depression.
Depression consumes my life. It makes life that much harder for me to deal with. I wake up sad. Why? Because I know the struggle and fight I have ahead of me, and it's all I can do to just put one foot on the floor. I have to face the mirror in the bathroom. It's hard to look at myself. It's hard for me to look at myself and think "You are enough. Today will be a good day." No, depression says "You don't deserve to be here. I'll make today as miserable as possible." All day I battle depression and the thoughts that it has my mind consume. There are some days that I only am exhausted by the end of the night, but some days I wake up already exhausted and it's all I can do to survive the day. It can take one small thing going wrong, or just too many bad thoughts to make me break down and cry and run to the bathroom to hide. Depression is a bitch. I have everything to live for, but depression constantly tells me I don't, tells me I am better off, and so is everyone else with out me. It's not true, but depression is persistent and won't give up, until you do feel like that. You see a happy and smiling woman, but inside I'm a small child that just wants to die. Telling me to just get over it hurts so much. You don't see the daily battle I have and that all I want to do is to "just get over it." And I constantly try to do just that. I just want to have some moments of happiness. That's what I want to be, happy. I don't want to battle these terrible thoughts every day. Everyone sees someone who just enjoys life and smiles. But did you know that I've just gotten that good at wearing that mask to make others think everything is fine? I come off as this confident and strong person. But really, I am not confident. I'm insecure. I am afraid that everyone hates me. That everyone is making fun of me. While I am being strong for everyone else, when I am alone I cry and cry and it physically hurts to try and "be strong." I am always busy doing something. Everyone thinks "wow you are superwoman!" No one knows that I do that so that my thoughts don't take over. While being busy can overwhelm me, it also keeps me from hearing and listening to my own thoughts. You ask me, "Are you ok? You are being awful quiet." I respond with, "Oh yes, I am just tired that is all." And you believe me. I'm not lying, I am tired. But I am feeling defeated, and the depression is winning and I am just trying to look ok and follow what is going on around me. Everyone sees me with my children and thinks "Wow she is a great mom!" I wish I thought that of myself. Instead, depression makes me second guess everything. It makes me think that I did not deserve to have four wonderful children. It makes me think I am not doing anything right being a mom and I am just screwing up my children. I stay up late and people chalk it up to me just being a night owl. But that's not true. I am afraid to sleep. Sleep brings nightmares that make me wake up in a sweat and breathing hard and feeling scared. I'm not a night owl, I don't want to face those nightmares. I carry myself as if life is great. I am as happy as anyone can get. But no one knows that while I show happiness, inside I'm sad and dying and eventually, depression wins and I think that death will heal it all.
Depression tries to take control of your life every moment you are alive. You can't see me fighting this most times. It's because it is all happening inside of me. It's because I've gotten really good at wearing that mask that portrays that life for me is great. It exhausts me. I could sit down all day and still be exhausted at night because I've been internally fighting my depression. All I want to do is to get over it. To just tell it to go away and that it is not welcomed. But it is just not that easy. And I wish others understood that. But I don't think you can understand it, unless you've suffered with depression on some degree.
I sit here and write this, not looking for sympathy, attention or anything of the sorts. I write, in hopes that it helps others understand this disease and to let others that suffer with depression to know that they are not alone. Depression sucks and it's a bitch. It's not easy to deal with it. But I encourage those that are having a difficult time with your depression, don't be afraid to reach out for help. Don't be ashamed. Trust me, people care and want to help you.
Depression can be overcome. But it isn't easy, but worth it....
Again, just looking at my photo, can you tell I suffer from depression?
Here is a website for help:
http://www.healthline.com/h…/depression/help-for-depression…
#depression
*My personal struggles or ways that I deal with my depression are just that, my own. Not everyone suffers or handles it like I do. This blog and the words are my feelings, interpretations, opinions, ect. Not everyone will agree with this blog or what I have to say, that is ok. That hasn't stopped me before, and it won't stop me now. I just ask that you be respectful and to keep an open mind.
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