A Mother's Day First

Anxiety has kept me from being able to leave the house, let alone going on a two hour drive to see family. So this weekend my husband and four kids went up north to see his parents. I hate that I wasn't able to go. I am fighting this anxiety, but it isn't always as easy as telling myself to get over it or that I can do it no matter what. The mind is a strong thing.

Mother's Day is officially happening right now, even at 2am. I can't sleep. While my husband and kids will be returning home tomorrow evening, it just dawned on me that my youngest will be at my in laws to visit for a bit.  I love that my kids get to visit and stay with their grandparents. Grandparents play a very important role in raising our children.

And it's Mother's Day and JJ won't be coming home in the evening. My first Mother's Day away from any of my children. This is a first. I hate it. I've already and am trying to get through anxiety that has last well over 3 hours now and with the help of medication and then when it hit me that I will be with out one of my children today, so hit the depression. So now I am anxious and depressed. I'm crying just typing this. This Mother's Day for me, will not be complete and I can never get that back.

I know many will read this and say how lucky and blessed I should feel because I've been blessed with four children. And I know I am lucky and blessed with that. I haven't known anything else so I can't compare my situation with others in that way (being a mom or not a mom).  I can't help feeling how I do.

I'm just trying to keep myself from spiraling into a deeper depression. And once I do fall asleep (IF I can), I will wake up and remember that he won't be here. He won't be coming back for a week or two. He's missing Mother's Day with me, his mother. It will be easier to keep my shit together during the day, but as soon as my husband and three other kids come through the door and present me with their gifts, I will have to put that mask on and be happy (and I will be happy and thankful). Once they are in bed I know the tears will start falling and that familiar feeling of depression will return and I will fight so that it does not consume me 100%.

I just can't help but feel "Well Happy F'ing Mother's Day to me..."

-Kristin

*My personal struggles or ways that I deal with my depression are just that, my own. Not everyone suffers or handles it like I do. This blog and the words are my feelings, interpretations, opinions, ect. Not everyone will agree with this blog or what I have to say, that is ok. That hasn't stopped me before, and it won't stop me now. I just ask that you be respectful and to keep an open mind.