The First Year...Mother's Day

They say the first year after someone's death is the hardest. Or at least that is what I've always have been told. So far it seems to be true. I lost my Grandmother Christmas night, 2015.  It was fast and shocking as it was not expected (which I know usually it isn't).  I'm almost 34 and this is the first grandparent I've lost. I've been blessed to still have my grandparents in my lives and for them to see me marry, have children and interact with my little family.

Today is Mother's Day. I never did anything big, not even a card for my Grandmother, but I always did call and talk to her. First year I haven't been able to . I am religious so I just start talking to her. And I did just that. But I can't hear her voice. I'm even starting to forget what it sounds like.

Just little things like that can send me spiraling. I'm trying not to today. Not only will I not be able to see my youngest today on Mother's Day, but I can't call my Grandmother or hear her voice.

Facebook isn't helping. I see everyone's post with the pictures of all of their kids with them and then hearing about how many people miss my Grandmother (she was such a wonderful and beautiful person inside and out) and knowing that her kids (my Mom, Aunts and Uncle) are having a harder time with it. 

Today, doesn't feel special to me like it has in the past. I'm just trying to stop crying, have anxiety, feeling depressed and not have a panic attack. That is my goal, to just feel numb, if it helps me stop crying ect, then numb it is....I just want to get through the day....Somehow, temporarily shut my mind down, although I'm not sure if that is possible. Hasn't been for awhile.....

-Kristin

 *My personal struggles or ways that I deal with my depression are just that, my own. Not everyone suffers or handles it like I do. This blog and the words are my feelings, interpretations, opinions, ect. Not everyone will agree with this blog or what I have to say, that is ok. That hasn't stopped me before, and it won't stop me now. I just ask that you be respectful and to keep an open mind.