Not just for me...

At my daughters first Girl Scouts meeting I watched her. And it's a painful reminder of how my issues are rubbing off on her.  My daughter, who is a bubbly, energetic and very happy little girl shut down today. As I watched her troop leader try to have her engage in the circle with the other girls, I see my daughter, with her hands over her face, tears falling from her cheeks and she is hunched over. She, while standing up, is trying to go into as much as she can, the fetal position. A basic human instinct to feel safe, like back in the womb, all curled up.

Thankfully we've found an amazing Girl Scouts group. The Troop leader helped her figure out what she did that was helpful this week and even though my daughter didn't speak up, the troop leader helped and spoke for her. And as they moved onto the other girls, she still engaged the whole group, yet stood next to my daughter and gave her comfort until she calmed down. Through out the meeting, the girls, older and her age all pitched in to help her feel comfortable. As the girls passed by me to move onto the next part of the meeting, Lilly stopped to look at me. I smiled at her and let her know she was doing great and to get on in there and that the girls really are wanting to help her feel comfortable. But as she walked passed me, I saw the fear in her eyes and knew how she felt in this social situation. It is one I am dealing with now all too well. In fact today was the most I've gotten out in months. Picked up my daughter, hit the coffee place a few times, did my daughters Girls Scouts meeting and drove to the grocery store. My husband has to get injection in his eyes once a month so he relies on me for that day and the day after to handle everything. And this is the first time I've been able to actually be helpful in a long time.

As I sat there and took it all in and watched my daughter as I sat there and wrote this blog posting, it all became too familiar and reminded me of another reason I am fighting so hard to make myself a better person. It's just not for me, it's just as important, if not more important to fight for my kids as well. I am the one (well one of the two) that brought these kids into this world. It is my job to raise them to be good people. That means to make sure they can handle the world, the fear of it and the ability to keep going and work through that fear.

10 years ago I wasn't like what I am today. I still had the depression, anxiety and a few panic attacks. But it didn't keep me literally trapped inside my house and control my every moment as it does today. I was once able to conquer my fears and move through it all and come out the other side fine.  I'm not sure how or why it got so bad. It's been a slow process the past ten years, but the past five of those ten, it has hit me very badly and quickly.

My oldest is almost 10. She has always been shy, but not like I've seen her lately. It seems as I become more entangled with my own issues, she is doing the same. I see my fear being passed onto her and it hurts me. I feel helpless, guilty and mad that instead of showing her someone that can face this, I am buckling under the pressure and letting it consume my life. Even if I am fighting to do the opposite. Kids see more then we think. I see her socially struggling and I know all too well that feeling.  The fear that runs through your whole body all of a sudden and paralyzes you.  You can't breathe, your heart is pounding so fast and hard that your chest begins to hurt and it becomes all too much all too quick. I hate that my young daughter is feeling this and even more so because I know exactly how she is feeling. I struggle with it at the age of 33 and I couldn't imagine at almost 10 years old trying to make sense of it all when it's hard for me to make sense of it.

So it is important that I better myself. It means getting better for my kids. And helping them to better themselves and being that example of how to do that.

You are shaped into the person who you become roughly in the first 8 or so years of your life. Anyone can change who they are, how they react and better themselves. But as you get older, it isn't easy to change that. It's changing a habit that you've done your whole life and doing something different. It's hard for us to work on ourselves. I still have two children I have time to turn myself around to help them and I have two older ones who are who they will be and I can still help them over come obstacles and change how they handle them.

They are all great kids. I have been truly blessed with the children I was given. They are well behaved and happy. As their mother, I need to always be there to help them out.  Shaping them, helping them re-shape themselves to make themselves better.  In no way do I mean to totally change who they are. But if they feel they can be a better person then they are now later in life, I will be there as their coach, cheerleader and their mom.

I am their mother, my job is to teach them and give them the right tools to face and navigate through a world that is becoming more harsh then ever. We need more good people in life and I hope to raise my four to be one of those people that help make this world a better place....

-Kristin

*My personal struggles or ways that I deal with my depression are just that, my own. Not everyone suffers or handles it like I do. This blog and the words are my feelings, interpretations, opinions, ect. Not everyone will agree with this blog or what I have to say, that is ok. That hasn't stopped me before, and it won't stop me now. I just ask that you be respectful and to keep an open mind.