I fight for myself and my children. I also aspire to be a veterinarian one day. I see a new doctor and I have hope that I might get the correct help. First time in years that I've felt that way. So I looked into schooling, years, amount ect. Not for anytime soon, because getting myself to a point where I can handle school and normal life is the first thing I need to do. And I know that, well. But it is a dream of mine and there is no harm to look and give myself that long term goal either.
Growing up and even now, I've had people tell me that I will never be able to do stuff, I shouldn't try because I won't succeed ect. Even today that still happens. Maybe more often now then it ever did. Pretty sure it's due to my mental illness and the struggles I face due to that.
But when you discuss your dreams and one day goals with the one person who should be there to be supportive and they always have something negative to say back, my dreams, goals, all of that are crushed. It gets into my head that once again I can't do something. It will be impossible. The one person who should know me best is maybe doing more damage then good. I know they aren't meaning to. But that doesn't make it any less difficult.
They tell me they are being realistic, we need to get me better, ect. I AM being realistic. I said "Once I am better enough to do this..." That one sentence said exactly what I am reminded to "remember." I feel like I am not being listened to or in a gentle way being told it will never happen. Kind of like I am a child once again. That is not what they want me to do with my life. And no matter how much I talk and share my feelings about how it makes me feel when they respond that way, they say sorry, yet this repeats itself.
They are getting more angry then I am, that I am still struggling. They want these medications to work right away even if they tell me they understand it takes time. Do people not understand that I too am angry, upset and just as much if not more frustrated? I am the one truly dealing with this. But I also understand the process of how it works to try and help those with mental illness. Therefor I know there is no instant fix. It will be something that I deal with for the rest of my life and I know this and that alone is sad and hard enough to know and to come to terms with.
People wonder why I don't try things. Because I am afraid of failure and that is due to so many other people who have put that in my head and from the one person who I need that support and encouragement just responds with negativity. I know it isn't up to anyone on what I do with my life. But I often feel so "set up", that my perfectionism starts with anything I do because I don't want to fail anyone else. It stops becoming about me and more about how I can show them I can. It's miserable...
I feel like my dreams are crushed.......
-Kristin
*My personal struggles or ways that I deal with my depression are just that, my own. Not everyone suffers or handles it like I do. This blog and the words are my feelings, interpretations, opinions, ect. Not everyone will agree with this blog or what I have to say, that is ok. That hasn't stopped me before, and it won't stop me now. I just ask that you be respectful and to keep an open mind.
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