This is Jezzabell aka Boo, my companion animal.

This is Jezzabell aka Boo. She is my companion animal. No she is not a service animal but still she serves a purpose.

I suffer from #depression #anxiety #bipolar and #adjustmentdisorder with extreme anxiety.

 This is what she does for me. When I can't get out of bed, she paws at me, whines at me and licks me until I get out of bed. When a panic or anxiety moment hits, she comes running to be by my side. When I am depressed she is my shadow.

She calms me during my weakest moments and with my medical issues. With out her, these issues would make me non functioning more then I do now.

She gets me out of the house for walks and sunshine. Something that is vital for my conditions.
I need her. And a companion animal is important to those that need them for medical reasons.

It upsets me when people lie and say "oh it's my companion animal," when it is not (when obvious). Because of that I have many people telling me that I'm and either a liar or that I'm weak and shouldn't need her.

We need to be more understanding when it comes to companion animals. But we also need those that are abusing it to stop as well.

Boo is an important part of my life. She helps me through my most difficult times. If I did not have her, I would be worse off and I am already pretty bad as it is.

So I ask, be open minded. Don't criticize those that need a companion animal. But I also ask those that use this as an excuse to take a animal somewhere that is not one to stop, stop abusing it. The ones that need a companion animal are the people you are hurting.

Boo, with out you, I'd be more of a wreck the. I already am. She is so important for my well being and I am one of those people that needs my companion animal....

*My personal struggles or ways that I deal with my depression are just that, my own. Not everyone suffers or handles it like I do. This blog and the words are my feelings, interpretations, opinions, ect. Not everyone will agree with this blog or what I have to say, that is ok. That hasn't stopped me before, and it won't stop me now. I just ask that you be respectful and to keep an open mind.

Desr 2016, you haven't made it easy...

2016 has been a hard year for a lot of people, including me. While I lost my grandmother on Christmas day in 2015, we said our final goodbyes in 2016. My last memory of her; she was hooked up to a machine keeping her alive. My loved ones had to make the very difficult decision to take her off life support.

In June, my family and I got one week to say goodbye before my father in law before he lost his battle with cancer. He fought so hard and wanted nothing more to believe that he would walk out of there. He was in such pain that giving him a hug was impossible. I just remember holding his hand and rubbing it against my face telling him this was how I could give him a huge. Reassuring him that Matt and I would take care of mom and that I loved him so much and he was a father to me. He hung on long enough to make sure his newest grandson was ok (he was in the NICU due to breathing issues) and to be able to see all three of his sons. All of the difficult medical decisions were left up to my husband and as his wife, that was just as hard to see him beat himself up thinking he could have done anything to save his father. One year after him being diagnosed with cancer, we lost him.

Some how between both losses, I didn't fall into a deep depression. I had the honor to be able to make a memorial video for both my grandmother and father in law. Plus watching my nephews and niece so my sister and brother in law could be with their newborn son since a friend let them down, helped keep me busy during my father in laws passing.

Although as I know all too well, we can survive a lot of tough times, especially when thrown into a situation (as I do) where you remain strong for everyone else. It may not catch up to us right away. Could be days, weeks or months. But sometimes (not always) it does creep up on us. And it has finally has caught up to me.

We moved to a different state. I am in a new place where I know no one. My anxiety and depression make it difficult for me to get out of the house. And now I am a care giver to my mother in law. I am a person where I need me time to recharge my batteries. I have four kids. That alone doesn't leave much time. But now I am a care giver and that requires more time being taken away and I haven't gotten the time to recharge my batteries.  We are all adjusting to our new living situation. But I won't lie and say it's easy to live with someone you are taking care of. Boundaries need to be set, rules in place. And it's hard when you have to do that with someone that is still an adult, but needs to respect a new home.

I've felt myself slipping down, as I usually do. As as I do, I fight it. I always end up losing, but that doesn't mean I won't stop fighting. I'm just finding it difficult to have the energy to fight this time. That little spark that is me, I no longer see. I am trying to hard to reignite it, but I just can't. Sleep is hard to come by, even with a prescription that is suppose to help me sleep as needed. And when I can sleep, I cry myself to sleep.

When the alarm goes off in the morning to get up to get the kids ready for school, it is difficult to drag myself out of bed. I usually lay there for ten minutes crying and fighting the thoughts in my own head to get up and do what I need to do. My kids still need me, no matter how depressed I am. I just don't have time to get so deep in that I cannot function. Yet I fear that, the not being able to function is right around the corner and it scares me. It scares the shit out of me.

This time there has been no suicidal thoughts. (If you ever feel as if you are suicidal there are a few resources I highly encourage you to reach out to: National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or Crisis Text Line Text "GO" to 741741 Both are available 24/7.)  So that is good. Those thoughts are and have stayed out of my head, so far.

But as usual, I find no joy in life right now. Things that I normally find joy in, I no longer do. My companion dog is helping. She knows when I am down and she has not left my side. Although lately my mother in law has been calling her over and I'm going to be honest, it makes me angry and upsets me. We got her to help me. I'm not trying to be selfish, but she is how I cope and now I'm am losing that at times.

I'm not sure how I am going to get out of this current funk. Right now, I find no peace in my life. Constant fighting. Loud noises set off my anxiety and between four kids and a very loud mother in law, I am back on my Xanax 24/7. I didn't hardly need to take it when my two loved ones passed away. I don't now where anything is here in our new town/state and anxiety hits me just thinking about getting out to drive. I have no escape. Not even my own room.

If it wasn't for my honesty and this blog, many people see me smile and talk and laugh. You wouldn't have any clue that I suffer from depression or anxiety. I wish I could be like that all of the time. Push it aside like I do when people on the street say hello and start a small conversation. But I can't. I'm not getting any breaks. Everyone is coming before me. And I know that I need time to recharge my batteries, but I'm not getting that time nor finding any time for it.

Now, I'm just waiting for the nervous breakdown to happen. It's not if, but a matter of when....

*My personal struggles or ways that I deal with my depression are just that, my own. Not everyone suffers or handles it like I do. This blog and the words are my feelings, interpretations, opinions, ect. Not everyone will agree with this blog or what I have to say, that is ok. That hasn't stopped me before, and it won't stop me now. I just ask that you be respectful and to keep an open mind.

Dear Standord Attacker. AKA "Little Boy."

I haven't said anything on the Standford rape/attack that happened. It is the same thing I read about when men get away with what they have done or get a slap on the wrist.

What has outraged me with this case is the short sentence and the fact that the father of the attacker is pleading that a 6 months jail sentence is far too much time for his son to pay for "20 minutes" of actions. As if 20 minutes was even far too much for him, the one being the attacker.

As I read through the letter that the victim wrote, feelings came back that have taken me ten years to overcome. Feelings that I know were of nothing that I did.  Feelings that were forced on me because someone felt the need to take it, that they deserved it was theirs.

Flashbacks of a time where someone decided that a part of me is something they could take away forever. Not even thinking of what I would have to deal with for the rest of my life. How much I would have to fight to get that part of me back and to get myself to remember that, that is ok to get that part of me back. It is no one's, it is MINE.

I read the excuses he gives as to why what he did was ok or needs to even be forgiven. I'm sorry little boy (I won't even call you by your name, you are little, sorry excuse, scared and a bully of a boy, NOT even close to what a man should be.) your excuses are invalid for your actions and any type of forgiveness. Actions have consequences. Some actions have BIG consequences. This action you took has consequences not only that you have to deal with, but your victim has to deal with for the rest of her life. NONE of which she asked for and NONE of which you had the right to give or do under ANY circumstances. NONE AT ALL.

Alcohol was a factor. Alcohol is a factor in many things. But alcohol does not kill innocent people, rape women, ect. It is the PEOPLE who decide to drink that make those wrong decisions and wrong moves. It is the persons actions that it comes down to and what they have decided to do.

Now your father has issued a statement asking the judge to be lenient with you. 6 months is far too much of a punishment for 20 minutes of your life. Your father is your father and he loves you. As he should. Parents should love their kids, but can not love their actions. I sit here and wonder, IF this had happened to his daughter, would he feel the same? Would he feel it is ok for the attackers father to come out and write this plea, as if the attacker were actually the victim? I would hope the answer would be no, but in today's world, nothing is ever what we think it should be.

Dear little boys father, I know you love your son, but you should be ashamed that he did this. I know as parents we can only teach our children so much, but they have to make their own decisions. Some of those will be wrong, VERY wrong. How do you think it is ok to make him out to be the victim. Sure he will live with this for the rest of his life, but not like the victim will. He will never be able to know what she has gone through until he himself is treated as such an object. As such that someone deserved to take something from him. No one is asking to not love your son or love him any less. We are asking that you stop and think about what your letter, your plea is really saying. Especially to other young women out there and especially to the victim. That woman your son attacked And is it so far fetched that you remind your son to think the same way? To remind your son of the AWFUL thing he did to another human being? We all make mistakes and some are bad, some we cannot recover from. But because it is a mistake, does not mean that some of those mistakes we don't pay for. This is a mistake he SHOULD and NEEDS to pay for. The APPROPRIATE form of paying for what he did.

This whole thing has sickened me, outraged me, the feelings and emotions I have felt have been all over the place. I am angered that this boy is getting out of being correctly punished because of a family's status, ect. I am horrified that this seems to be a thing that is becoming more and more common. Boys getting away with this awful type of crime. Nothing he can do, will help make that victim not ever again live with what happened to her. But a more appropriate punishment SHOULD be done. It's the least our system can do. And it is failing us more and more at that.....

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/early-lead/wp/2016/06/04/you-took-away-my-worth-a-rape-victim-delivers-powerful-message-to-a-former-stanford-swimmer/?wpmm=1&wpisrc=nl_wemost-draw5

*This is my own thoughts, opinions and feelings on this matter. You may agree or disagree, I just ask, as always you be respectful.

I just need someone to believe in me and mean it...

"I just need someone to believe in me and mean it...."

Many people tell me that they believe in me. Saying and actually meaning it are two different things.  Living with depression and anxiety makes life just that more difficult. I pick up on clues (body language, tone of voice ect) that people give out and don't necessarily realize it. I know when someone is just saying it to say it. Sure I have a little hope that they actually believe what they are saying (ironically) and that is probably what hurts me in the end. I am a hopeful person. But it hurts that much harder when I am just let down. Mostly let down by those closest to me and the ones that "love me."  That just makes the hurt that much worse. 34 years and it should be something I am use to. Something that should be telling me stop being hopeful and stop believing the best in people. But it hasn't stopped me. Even if it ends up hurting me badly. 

I've gone back and forth between believing there are good people and trying to find that good in people and then just knowing people are assholes, basically hating humanity. I don't like the world I live in. I am just one person, but I try to do what I can one thing at a time to hopefully make this world a better place. People call me crazy. Yet if more people actually tried, we might be able to overcome the "assholes" of the world. But we have to come together and too many people rather not even mess with it. People forget the power in numbers. The world is a cruel place due to the numbers of people, or so I believe anyway. 

My life has been shaken up and turned upside down. I try to remain positive. But I am human and it gets the best of me. I think I'm doing pretty damn good considering it all.  But in all of this, I am the one feeling guilt. And I shouldn't. Feel guilt for having to make decisions that are having to be made, preparing yourself to take care of others only to have them turn their backs and decide on those that have done nothing, living in limbo because until we get something, we don't know what will be happening, not being able to plan, knowing your a burden on others, knowing that others say they believe in you or support you but knowing it isn't true and having those that should be your biggest supporters, biggest believers tell you to be realistic. Dreams getting crushed, slowly feel as if my soul is getting torn apart and changing into someone that isn't me and someone that I hate. But it will keep me from getting hurt. 

Today alone, I don't want to be here. Literally I don't want to breathe. Feelings of just interfering with life, feelings of knowing I am not useful and wondering what my purpose is. We all have purpose and I really believe that, but days like today I question if my only purpose is to make others feel good about themselves for many reasons. Making me feel and look like more crap so they look better, being able to say "yea I take care of her, someone has to right," ect. 

It's days like today that I hate humanity. I hate that I even was able to open my eyes and come into this world. Like life is a cruel joke and I'm waiting for the people to come out and say "You have just been our form of entertainment." And even then soon enough I'll get to be too boring and they will move on.

And that is depression. One big disease that lies to you over and over. I wake up every day knowing I have a fight ahead of me. There are days where I wake up and say "I'll make depression my bitch!"  But most days I don't want to wake up, I don't want to make it out of bed. I don't have the energy to even fight. Some how, most of those days I find some energy to hang on, even if just by a thread. 

With depression I am slowly losing who I am. Who I am meant to be and who I want to be. I am just starting to conform to something that is just living until they die. Just surviving until it is their time to go. 

And what do I want out of life? Simple: love, believed in and being wanted. And most of the time, I feel none of those.....Especially today.

*My personal struggles or ways that I deal with my depression are just that, my own. Not everyone suffers or handles it like I do. This blog and the words are my feelings, interpretations, opinions, ect. Not everyone will agree with this blog or what I have to say, that is ok. That hasn't stopped me before, and it won't stop me now. I just ask that you be respectful and to keep an open mind.

Hope is there.

Today I saw my new psychiatrist. I went to him to get a second opinion and possible start seeing him instead of my old one. Well I am happy to say he is my new psychiatrist! My appointment was exhausting trying to explain everything to him, especially just mentioning my rape. I had a terrible panic attack on the way home and it took me a few hours to calm myself down.

But I got past it. And I feel better. There are some stresses in my life currently and I'm not sure anyone would handle them with perfection. With my background I am handling them the best I can and I have hope that I can soon handle them even better.

If you feel that the doctor (of any kind) you are seeing isn't listening to you or giving you what you need, there is no shame in going to get a second opinion. The old psychiatrist I was seeing was great. Saw him for over five years. But, with my case, I think I was a bit over his head and needed someone with a little more expertise.

I will be honest I felt guilty as if I was going behind his back. But I told him that I was seeing someone else to get a second opinion and he said it is always good to do so because not every doctor is a fit for you. He was great about it even if I started crying. I hate thinking I may or am hurting others feelings.

One medicine has been dropped as we are pretty certain is it causing my heightened anxiety and a medicine dose was increased. Once we get the one medicine dose stable, we will be discussing switching out one medicine for another. So I went from four medications to three. Three still seems like a high amount, but it is one less that I am taking and I consider that a win.

He gave me some great steps to take to help me overcome anxiety, depression and my sleep as well. I'm having a hard time coming to terms with those (like stopping caffeine), but it needs to be done.

I hate that I am having to change my life as what I am use to, all because of a disease I didn't even ask for. Not that anyone asks for any kind of disease but it seems unfair. Although life isn't fair.

I have hope now. I was nervous going in and came out calm, relaxed, positive and full of hope (even if I ended up with a panic attack on the way home).

-Kristin

*My personal struggles or ways that I deal with my depression are just that, my own. Not everyone suffers or handles it like I do. This blog and the words are my feelings, interpretations, opinions, ect. Not everyone will agree with this blog or what I have to say, that is ok. That hasn't stopped me before, and it won't stop me now. I just ask that you be respectful and to keep an open mind.